deranged

today i woke up at 12. i sleep at 12. 12 hours of sleeping. shocked, but maybe god knows that i am too tired about yesterday. each day its getting worse. how could he... asked me to come and when i almost there, he told me to go home. is he even human. asshole. i am crying on my way and looking so hard for a tissue. my head hurts. my eyes blurry. people look at me like its funny what a girl doing in such a crowded place with some cute dress. embarassing. i start covering my face. then i went to a cafe. my friend go after me and trying to calm me. i am crying and cursing him everysecond. i kick everything. i feel so fucked up. my feet hurts too. everything hurts from head to toe. my friends lend me some flannel to cover my body. sigh, its all because of him. i hate him. very much. fuck off. after that i vn my friends asking for a help. i cant even typing. my friends say yes and asking where i am but shes too far from my place. so we go to some mall to eat because i havent eat since i wake up. i ask for a clothes because its too embarassing to wear this dress to a mall. and then i get better after talking to my friend. i change my clothes. thank god, i feel better. i tell everything to her about what shits happen to me. im glad she came after me. then i go home. dont know how to describe that moment. thinking about it makes me exhausted. i have nobody to lean on. i always fake it. dont wanna hurt anyones feeling. i just want to be happy. i want holiday. i want beach. i want beach that much it hurts that i am crying craving a holiday like a kid and even my mom want to take a day off to accompany me to beach. i know shes so busy about her work... i feel bad about myself. feel like my heart numb. and stoned. like a fool. my life so messed up right now. I HATE EVERYONE. i can feel it, its getting worse. oh and guess what, those who said they love me just had a date and ultra lovey dovey with somebody else. or maybe their exes. or maybe new girl well i dont know. UGH, AS IF. LIKE REALLY. after all the shits and stupid lies and sad puppy eyes "rani i love you" when they have another how dare they say im the one who being mean? WOW. funny. and after all the pain they put in me, how dare they are saying the gun was mine? are u kidding me? get a life you moron. im too sick of everything so dont add another shit into my life. fuck you all. i just want ice cream. and burger. and i just want holiday.... and beach... and love.... and care.... and support. i feel like im dead now. everything comes too fast. i need a break. i need more sleep. i need more quality time. i need more me-time. need more happiness.