actually, i am so excited today. i start the day with the good mood and wondering all my plan will do well in my head.
i really waiting for this day to come. i smile a lot.
its raining hard today.
and i dont know why it mustve rain while im on my way. and my driver dont give a f about that. hes using coat but im not-_- i used ponco instead. and he didnt even ask me to take shelter for a moment, to wait for the rain to get a lil bit subside. so my shoes and my pants were so wet as f, yea, WET AS F! i pour out the water inside my shoes. ew, so disgusting. my socks were very wet tho. and my feet are very cold. so i sit on the floor, and wipe my shoes and jeans to make it more comfortable.
and i forgot that today is a weekday. and the train to bogor were crowded as always. oh god bless me.
as i arrived at the station, i was looking so hard for new socks. because my feet are freezing. i need to change my socks but there were none. alfamart, circle k, indomaret etc they don't sell it. its rarely happening because usually they were always sell socks. disappointed, all i can do is let my feet cold until i arrived.
and as i arrive pulling the door, i tried to forget all my sickener, and put my smile on. all i think is i cant wait to confess all my doubt.
but however
humans plan, god determined.
i cant find good situation and good mood to talk about that. i try so hard to change my habit, i try talk soft and nicely, i even feel shy to stare at him. but still, i cant find the moment to talk about it. the place is good, the food is good, and all i have to do is only TALK ABOUT it but i dont know why... i CANT SPEAK. its kind of feeling like... he's not into that.. like he's busy.. and he's doesnt care (anymore).... and not interested (anymore). suddenly i lost my confidence. but i still try to smile. but hellyeah, i just cant talk about it. i was thinking "wtf rani youve been longing for this day to come but now you give up, its useless??? after all these rain, wet shoes and the freakin cold feet, its useless??!!" but.... i just cant. maybe hes giving up on me? maybe he just dont care about me and only treat me as a friend? maybe he found somebody new? maybe its over? lol my thoughts. yeah im feelin pathetic and very sad. but im so good at hiding it, im sure he didn't find anything on my face. so i go home with a fake smile, with all my doubt and question that i didnt had a chance to tell.
it always happen like this. i just wanna state my feelings and ask him some question. because i do care about him. BUT WHY IT ALWASY BALA AND END UP LIKE THIS????? yet i will never ever ever show my pain/sadness to other. then my insecurity came again. i hate that! when my insecurity came all i wanna do is being alone and push people away. and back to feel like i dont deserve anyone. feel like nobody love me sincerely. thats why i always think im better off alone. and put my lovelife to the next priorities :(
well i guess, maybe i just really dont deserve anyone, and better off alone. so no one will get hurt.
i really waiting for this day to come. i smile a lot.
its raining hard today.
and i dont know why it mustve rain while im on my way. and my driver dont give a f about that. hes using coat but im not-_- i used ponco instead. and he didnt even ask me to take shelter for a moment, to wait for the rain to get a lil bit subside. so my shoes and my pants were so wet as f, yea, WET AS F! i pour out the water inside my shoes. ew, so disgusting. my socks were very wet tho. and my feet are very cold. so i sit on the floor, and wipe my shoes and jeans to make it more comfortable.
and i forgot that today is a weekday. and the train to bogor were crowded as always. oh god bless me.
as i arrived at the station, i was looking so hard for new socks. because my feet are freezing. i need to change my socks but there were none. alfamart, circle k, indomaret etc they don't sell it. its rarely happening because usually they were always sell socks. disappointed, all i can do is let my feet cold until i arrived.
and as i arrive pulling the door, i tried to forget all my sickener, and put my smile on. all i think is i cant wait to confess all my doubt.
but however
humans plan, god determined.
i cant find good situation and good mood to talk about that. i try so hard to change my habit, i try talk soft and nicely, i even feel shy to stare at him. but still, i cant find the moment to talk about it. the place is good, the food is good, and all i have to do is only TALK ABOUT it but i dont know why... i CANT SPEAK. its kind of feeling like... he's not into that.. like he's busy.. and he's doesnt care (anymore).... and not interested (anymore). suddenly i lost my confidence. but i still try to smile. but hellyeah, i just cant talk about it. i was thinking "wtf rani youve been longing for this day to come but now you give up, its useless??? after all these rain, wet shoes and the freakin cold feet, its useless??!!" but.... i just cant. maybe hes giving up on me? maybe he just dont care about me and only treat me as a friend? maybe he found somebody new? maybe its over? lol my thoughts. yeah im feelin pathetic and very sad. but im so good at hiding it, im sure he didn't find anything on my face. so i go home with a fake smile, with all my doubt and question that i didnt had a chance to tell.
it always happen like this. i just wanna state my feelings and ask him some question. because i do care about him. BUT WHY IT ALWASY BALA AND END UP LIKE THIS????? yet i will never ever ever show my pain/sadness to other. then my insecurity came again. i hate that! when my insecurity came all i wanna do is being alone and push people away. and back to feel like i dont deserve anyone. feel like nobody love me sincerely. thats why i always think im better off alone. and put my lovelife to the next priorities :(
well i guess, maybe i just really dont deserve anyone, and better off alone. so no one will get hurt.
Komentar
Posting Komentar