Please

same person, 

same place, 

same bench, 

same feeling, 

same wishes.

Hello old friend. We meet again. These walls, the cold walls, remind me the feeling of the first time I enter this room. We patiently wait, hours by hours. At that time, I regret my decision, "If only I continue to study medical, I could help more." 

The fear of losing someone haunt me. What if this is the last time? What if I'll never get to see your face again? What if 'Goodnight' was the last conversation we had? I started crying. so I pretend to sleeping. 

I still remember perfectly those kind of feeling. Those times are hard. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, I'm feeling tired everytime, it's hard for me to focus, I'm losing my appetite, I'm alone, I can't even tell anyone because I feel too tired, I hide it successfully. Back then I feel so bad for myself. Thinking if only I forced you more to check up, if only I insist a little more, if only I being hard on you a little more, this wouldn't happen. But regret means nothing when everything already broken. So please, dont go, I still had my bucket list to pay what you have done to me (eventho I'll never be able to pay it anyway) but please, stay, hang in there, I would do anything for you, so please hold on, come home soon, because like what I said last year, "Now its my turn to make you happy". 

Jakarta, RSCM 26 October 2020 

-Rani