I always think 2017 is the worst year of my life, but then I met 2020. I can feel that 2020 is tough, but somehow, 2017 is too deep for me. But somehow (too), 2020 is slapped me more than 2017 did.
December 2019, at that time, I still remember, I feel so happy. What I realized in the end, I was getting happy too quickly. At that time, after the ups and downs that I went through, and took me for a moment to "Geez, I'm so moved by this change... thank God, I still can't believe this is actually happening..." I still remember, I shed tears of happiness and prayed that I hope this will be a good start. I write. I made a playlist. I pinned the chat. I made an album. I'm giving my 100. I'm so ready for this change.
Boom.
Welcome 2020.
I remember, it's 4/366, and I got my very first heartbreak. Sad. I feel disrescpected. I feel pathetic. And after that, it's getting worse day by day. I don't know. I don't understand. I don't know why. It drives me crazy, and cries, and panics. I feel fooled. Looking back, I can't believe how fast things changed.
And then coronavirus coming.
The world is so chaotic.
Everything is driving me crazy.
I got laid off.
I lost my side job.
I try to survive with the remaining money.
The city is in lockdown.
Home for months.
But covid is not getting any better.
I can't meet friends.
I can't do me time.
It's draining me bad.
The thought that it was going to be a beautiful new step turned out to be a disaster that brought me down. To be honest, this whole thing is just... very sad... and I wish I could tell you.
I got a big bad fight, that lead me with the thoughts that "That's it! So you don't love me! You piece of shit! Why can't you just love me a little more when I give you everything that I have? Why you get angry for a 'piece of cake' when you don't even ask me what happened with me? Why you let those words come out your mouth? Why you do this to me? What is my fault? Why you being so mean? Why you are being so selfish? Why? Why can't you feel the same way as mine? Why I'm never enough for you? And why It's always her? WHY? Why you have to treat me like shit? Why you never be there for me when I needed you the most? Why I feel so lonely when it supposed to be I feel the opposite? WHY?" I remember I laughed all day to hide the tears in my eyes. My body trembled to hold back the cries. And as the night goes by, I can feel my heart numb. I feel broken inside. So I delete my album. I delete my playlist. I unpin the chat. I build my wall. I'm taking a break from my main account in social media for a month (in order just to reduce my anxiety and fear). I choose to never listening To The Bone again for a couple months. I'm taking back my 100, and just giving the same amount you gave me. I just realized that I am alone. I feel hurt. I feel disrespected. I feel unloved. I feel you don't want me in your life. I remember, when I think about it, my neck feels like it's choked. And I can't say a single word. There are times when you left me alone. But at that time, I had surrendered. If you won't come back, then okay. Do whatever you want. It's okay.
I couldn't sleep.
I do daydream at night. I stay up all night. But one thing for sure, it happens everyday. I got anxiety, I can't sleep, even when finally I could sleep, the nightmare comes every day. Yes, everyday. And when I woke up, I had my overthinking already. Sometimes I cry in the morning. Sometimes I woke up to hearing the cries. Sometimes I woke up to hearing a loud pounding. Sometimes I woke up to hearing the radio too loud. Sometimes I woke up because I couldn't breath properly.
But thanks to that, I would never know that my insecurities are being this strong. Back then, I'm having a very bad anxiety. I do anything to make myself 'better'. I cook, I sing, I play piano, I take photos, I play games, I pray, I eat anything I want. I do anything. But the result? ZERO. But it also gets worse. Since I got my nightmare every day, I feel like my head went explode... then I got bad insomnia, I got nosebleed, I got itch all over my body. So I scratch it till my body's bleed.
Believe me, it's very tiring pretending everything is okay and put a big fake smile and stupid lies while deep inside you're bleeding. If you have a friend that need a shoulder, please, be there for them if you can.
But I made it to the end. I deal with my emptiness alone, I deal with my broken heart alone, I deal with the sickness alone. I have survived, after all. Even though I'm bleeding inside and out.
Thanks to my friend. The climax, is at Eid Al-Fitr. I need someone to talk to. Thank you for helping me out. And I'm trying to take care of myself one by one. I meet up with my friend (finally), and everything getting much better. Thank God, you've granted my prayers.
I got a job
I got a super kind boss
My mom is doing okay
My sister got a promotion
I got a chance to save again
I got a chance to smile again
I got a chance to laugh again
I forgive
I try to love him again, in my new way
I learn from the past
I'm blessed.
December 2020, I look back and realize how fast things have changed. Yes indeed God is the almighty of turned in and turned back our hearts. I hope everything is on the track right now. I hope I don't have to through this again. Thank you 2020 for letting me know that I am strong. Thank you 2020 for letting me know that I can rise up all by myself. Thank you for letting me know that don't love too deep when you don't know the person's hearts towards you. Thank you for letting me know that my family needs me, and I'm the only one who can fix it.
2020 is surely a crazy ride. But I survived and I learn a lot.
Thank you and Goodbye, 2020!
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