Reborn.

How well did you live? 

How well did you love? 

How well did you learn to let go?

Realizing back that 2020 was a turning point for me. I realize that I need to stop fooling myself around, stop crying over the same mistake again, this time, I need to focus on myself. Therefore, I will be happier. I will be okay.

In a matter of time, the truth is, it was all gone... the role in a company I adored, the future I had imagined, the partner that I thought would do such a thing for me, the job that I think I would no-worries jump in and living the fun work-life, the friend that I thought would never turn their back on me, it's gone. it's not real. there is nobody. I am alone. Why I always believe that someday there would be someone who will make me feel alright? 

I had enough.

I'm a mature woman now. 

I feel disgusted at the fact that I used to be so weak, stupid, crybaby, grumpy, and lost in my own thoughts.

I realize, it's so painful to experience those moments again. In 2019 "I wouldn't be able to bear it anymore..." I said. But life laugh at me, "Eat that, fragile-bitch. The more you grumble the more I feed you." then they give me pig rain, dragon and fire until I can handle it. Luckily, I survived.

But I feel so much inside.

I go to some beautiful place alone. I take a walk and see beautiful scenery. The lake, the trees, the wind, the sun, the sky, the flower, that day they bloom and stand up beautifully. A perfect sunny day. I sit on a bench alone, put my playlist, and I start thinking to myself "How did I through this? How did I get here? How did I hide this after all this time and no one notices?"

As my song start playing, I feel relaxed, and I feel so blessed, that no one recognize me because I used a mask, no one give a fuck about me because they mind their own business. I start laying down and crying. I see the water sparkling beautifully. "Thank God, I found this place to crying. I found this place and no one bothering me. Just let me cry till I feel okay. Please, God, I just want to disappear for a moment..." and after I cry until I satisfied, I fell asleep. With my body laying down on a bench under a tree.

I woke up. It's 4 pm. Its Reflection on playing.

I am now 

in a world where I have to hide my heart

and what I believe in

But somehow,

I will show the world

what's inside my heart, 

and be loved for who I am.

Why must we are conceal, what we think, how we feel?

Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time

When will my reflection show

who I am inside.

My mind burned. As I woke up, I don't know, but it feels like something entered my mind, like... after I dealt with all the pain, so what now? I had a year that nearly sent me off the edge, I feel like a five. How embarrassing. Then I start thinking like "If only my life was like Harvest Moon. I'll be reset my memory card and start 'New game'."

Then I think about that word... reset.

Reset?

Restart?

Replay?

Reborn?

Rebirth?

Hmm, okay, Re-birth can sound so magical, unreal at the same time but kinda beautiful. It can also referred as starting fresh, start over again, of creating a blank page for the future. Flowers are born anew each spring, butterflies born from their cocoons.

"What if I... reborn? Leaving all these headaches behind, reset, replay, and restart myself?"

...and those thoughts finally brought me here. write this.

Let's reborn.

I choose to leave this all behind along with the end of this year. I know that I have to accept what has happened, accept the real me who is fragile-bitch, accept and let go of everything. I will reconstruct myself and my life, I don't know if this would work, but if I get my shit together this year, Maybe I'll be a dragon.

I want to focus on myself. I will help myself a little better. I run to my closet, take out several of my clothes, packing it (throwing away all the 'old me') so I can donate it later. I start buying a new clothes, studying some fashion-police, styling my hair, trying another style and vibe. I go to anywhere, exploring all media, looking something that suits me, I do me time, I buy skincare, I buy some shoes, I also try another make up look. I break it. I want to change everything. Now I am only looking forward for my significant other, my closest friends, and my family. The rest? I cut them off. Sometimes you gotta cut a bitch out, right? I don't care. Since the beginning, I know this is a fighting solo. Because I know the only one who can save me is only myself, so I'll give myself a little credit, this 'Reborn'.

And now I'm so excited to flexing my reborn. The new me. I want to be the better person. I want to reset, replay, and restart.

best regards,

-The New Rani.